Cross-eyed Joe

http://3d-cross-eyed.blogspot.com/2011/05/3d-cross-eyed-method-best-pictures.html

My first Thanksgiving alone after my  24 year marraige & divorce was quite a day to remember! I had been talking online with a man who had never been married-- because in his words-- he hadn't "found a woman good enough to marry".  He seemed nice but the only picture he had on the dating profile was of him by a lake fishing, donning a khaki fishing hat...no less! The fact that I had never seen his face didn't bother me in the few weeks I had emailed and Instant messeged him because our relationship hadn't really had the romantic theme to it in the short time we had been talking.  It was more like a casual shoot the breeze online friendship. 

    When he found out I was going to be alone for Thanksgiving he said.."Hey I'm planning on eating alone too...why don't we make it a Thanksgiving lunch at Village Inn...just as friends?" I agreed.  He mentioned that it wasn't really a date..just a casual lunch, which was fine with me because I actually have reservations about 40 something men who haven't maintained a marriage or relationship for a significant amount of time...but whatever. What could a  nice Turkey Lunch at Village Inn hurt?  

    When I walked into the restaurant on that cold turkey day, he was waiting in the lobby. I didn't really look at his face with all the first date--err-- excuse me "lunch" jitters.  He immediately smelled what perfume I was wearing & recognized it as Victoria Secret's Love Spell...and he said " OH wow!...LOVE SPELL...this JUST turned into a DATE!!" I wasn't sure what to make of that but something else was bothering me as the hostess escorted us to our table. I brushed the thoughts aside as we walked past the other tables but as soon as we sat down..I said to myself..NO ...it Cant possibly BE!!!!   There we were staring eye to eye finally across the table....or maybe I should say we were staring ...EYES to eye.....MY EYES to HIS ONE EYE.....His other eye was looking over toward the kitchen or somewhere..maybe winking at the waitress to drug my drink or something..who knows!  Yes...its true...HE was CROSS_EYED! I mean not just a little cross-eyed as some people are, But he had a lazy, lazy, cross- cross-eye! 

    As we ordered & ate our meal & talked of computers & dating & jobs...I could not get the fact out of my head that Yes..he really was cross-eyed. I also couldn't bring myself to mention it not only for the fact that it would be rude & tactless (Never stopped me before!) But what if he didn't really realize it? What if his mom made him feel so good about himself that he just couldn't understand why he couldn't find a woman who would look him in the EYE and fall in love with him;) Maybe it was an accident or some kind of disease process."So were you born Cross-eyed or do you even know that you are?"  just didn't sound right.  It may not seem like a big deal to some people  but it was quite a shock after all our conversations! But then again..in all the pre-date questions such as "what's your favorite color?" &..."oh by the way....ARE YOU CROSS-EYED??" just somehow didn't CROSS my mind.....So to speak! lol.  I know you are thinking that I must be some fake boobed, shallow minded women's' libber or something...but I'm really not!  I AM OPEN- MINDED!! I just prefer when kissing someone to have not only their full attention but most if not all of their body parts FOCUSED on me!! Call me selfish I guess!  Also....if I were to say I LOVE YOU...would I have to say it twice every time?   Oh Bill...I love you....and YOU! Oh....the jokes could go on & on....call me evil...but that is the last time I SAW Bill & Bill......But I am reminded of Village Inn Bill every time I see Victoria Secret's love spell bottle.

Pee-Pants Lawyer

One of my first dates after my divorce was from a small online dating site. I started conversing with a young lawyer named Lee. Yes my small town ego was stroked...thinking...see? I am cute enough..skinny enough...smart enough...to get a LAWYER!!  (yes single women -not even desperate single women- do imagine being "with" a man from the very first word...its part of the Cinderella fantasy..."Hmm can I see myself with this guy?? Can he support me financially? emotionally? socially?  spiritually? money wise? Did I mention Financially?"....) Anyway...back to my lawyer story...( I am NOT a gold digger..btw..just to clear that up....I just don't want to have to support a man...:) I am Old fashioned with that double standard!.  

     Ok So Mr Lawyer man seemed sortof goofballish...so it seemed fit that our first date would be at a family fun park playing miniature golf.  The goofballish label turned to wtf? as I was on my way to the park. He called and said, "I couldn't find a babysitter so I wondered if you would mind if I brought my 5 yr old daughter with?" "Um....well sure" I said- not knowing what else to say at this last minute surprise. I was a bit iffish about it, thinking how lame it was. How could we get to know each other with a talkative little girl in our face all day? But by the time I arrived there my motherly side had convinced myself that I was ok with it.. I had kids...

I knew what it was like...and after all we were going to a kids place. So we did the meet and greet out in the parking lot, with little Amanda, yes you guessed it...IN our face the whole time. She was a curious little spitfire....probably wondering why the hell she was meeting women  (every woman? ) that her daddy was 'playing' with. ( fun-park playing).
    After the meet & greet. He popped open his trunk and said "Do you like watches?" I said.."umm sure..." " Good cuz I have a dealer who gets me these good deals on watches ..this one retails at $2000 & i got it for $400...Cool....I thought...an underground goods trafficker disguised as a lawyer! To make a long story short & sorry to disappoint, but no...he didn't give me the watch,.. I think he wanted me to buy it. 
    SO we started out the golf game. See what a good sport I am?  It was ok for about 5 minutes...then Amanda had to go to the bathroom. Well.....is he going to let some strange lady that he just met take his only child into the restroom? Do I WANT the responsibility of taking a LAWYERS child into the bathroom????  No is the answer to both questions....so yes..Mr Lawyer took 5 yr old Amanda into the mens bathroom. ickk. But the killer part happened next....(and yes you guessed it.. THIS IS the theme to this story!) I'm waiting outside the bathroom for them....and I hear endless jabbering coming closer. I look up & there's Lee bouncing out of the bathroom with Amanda on his shoulders. But what caught my eyes was down lower....on his gray dress pants right in the center of the crotch.....ok a little above..(which shows he's at least out there a little- I guess) was a 5 inch circle of .....of..........Noooooooo it cant be.. but it was......A WET SPOT!

My mind rushed to not judge.....well he was probably busy watching her so he didn't want to waste the time to "shake" it off....(DONT YOU GUYS SHAKE IT OFF AFTER??)  Or had he just leaned up against the counter while washing his hands?  Or maybe he took a drink out of the fountain and it all spilled conveniently into his lap....

Well regardless of HOW it happened...truth was....IT was staring me in the face and I had a choice........mention it....(I do have a tendency to do stuff like it...call it tactless...) or try desperately not to notice...( I am  A HORRIBLE ACTOR!)..Of course I did the right thing and ignored it....but it was sort of a deal breaker moment. I mean, I cant believe this guy. the kid, the watch and the spot. I'm  pretty sure I dont want to see him again.  Call me picky and bitchy, but first impressions are HUGE and It was the last straw. Honestly, I don't even remember finishing the golf game . Did I? All I could think of while driving home, was chuckle & wonder how long this guy would end up being single.  But the jokes on my because -karma got me back in the face for that one...as I am still single 3 yrs later.